When life doesn't go according to our plan

Eight years ago I had the wedding of my dreams. 13 months after our wedding, my husband and I welcomed our son into the world. 12 months later we bought our first home. And 17 months after the birth of my son we welcomed our daughter. We were living the American dream. A home. Two children. Nice jobs.

Yet on December 30, 2014 our life came crashing down when my husband was diagnosed with cancer. And on February 14, 2017, when my husband took his last breath, everything changed. My life has not turned out the way I planned. I planned on growing old with my husband. I planned on having him here to see his children grow up.I planned my life and my future around him. I never thought my life would include watching my 31 year old husband take his last breath.I never thought my life would include being an only parent to two very young children. I never thought my life would include me as a widow at such a young age. Nor did I think it would include having a five year son and six year old daughte…

From daddy's girl to fatherless...

She was a few months shy of 3 years old when her dad was diagnosed with cancer.

She spent virtually every weekend of her third year of life in the hospital visiting her dad while he was getting chemotherapy.
For half of her fourth year of life she found herself unable to lay on her dad's arms as she fell asleep at night, ride on his shoulders or play on the floor with him as he lay in bed paralyzed due to the chemo.

And two weeks before she turned five years old this little girl had to say goodbye to her dad as he passed away.

To say she was a daddy's girl is an understatement. 
He would get up in the middle of the night with her when she was a baby. He would feed her, change her and fall asleep with her on the rocking chair.

And as she grew and became more active this little girl was always by her dad's side.

It didn't matter how old she was getting, when she asked for a shoulder ride, he would give her a shoulder ride. This little girl could do no wrong in her daddy&…

To my deceased husband on our anniversary.....

To my deceased husband on our anniversary, 

August 14th will mark 6 months since you passed away...Yet August 8th marks what should have been our 8th wedding anniversary....

Eight years ago I stood across from you and said “in sickness and in health….till death do us part…” I thought we had a lifetime together. 
I had no idea that sickness would come five years after we said our vows. And I wasn’t prepared for death to come so soon.
Seven years was not enough time with you.
We didn’t get to see the dreams and plans we had for the future come to pass.
We didn’t get to grow old together.

 And it feels so unfair that you aren’t here.
It feels unfair that you aren’t laying next to me during the night.
That you aren’t waking up by my side in the morning.
That there is no turning of the door knobs at 5:30 with you walking through the front door.
It feels so unfair that I am not cooking dinner for you in the evening.
And not sitting on the couch next to you at night drinking coffee.
It seems so unfair …

Why I decided to take a break from social media

My children are with me virtually every second of every day. As a result of this, there are very few times of the day where it is silent. Even during my daily time of prayer and reading the Bible, I can guarantee that one of my children is going to come in the room at least 10 times to ask me some question that they think is so important. There are a lot of interruptions. There is a lot of noise in my life and not enough silence. I can blame the noise on my children, but a few weeks ago I realized that during the times where it could be silent in my life, I was bringing distractions in.

I enjoy social media. I have reconnected with people I went to high school with. I have stayed in contact with those who live in California after I moved to Texas. I love looking at the pictures and reading the posts. But I realized I was spending way too much time scrolling through social media. This may not necessarily be a bad thing, but the more I thought about it, I realized that I was scrolling t…

When God doesn't come through the way you thought He would...

I  posted this blog in September of 2015. My husband was responding well to chemotherapy. His doctor was optimistic that he would stay in remission. I didn't want to write this blog. In fact, as the thought and the words to the blog flooded my mind, I prayed "God please don't let me have to live what I am about the write." But the thought wouldn't go away and I truly believe that someone needs to read this blog. So here goes...

We all like hearing testimonies of the things that God has done. We shout when we hear of the job offer. We clap when we hear of that mysterious check that was found in the mailbox. We run and jump when we hear of the tumor that disappeared. We love testimonies. When a person receives a promotion they weren't qualified for, we thank God. When a person is able to conceive years after dealing with infertility, we cry tears of joy. When a marriage is restored and a child delivered from drugs, we offer thanks to God.

But what happens when …

To the widow who just lost their spouse...

To the widow who just lost their spouse,
You have been forced to join the club no one wants to join. Regardless of your age, it happened way too soon. It may have happened without warning, or like me, your spouse may have battled a sickness for a long time. It doesn't matter though. The pain is still intense. Your "till death due us part" came long before you were ready. Conversations with your spouse have been replaced with questions. Their side of the bed seems so empty. The silence from their absence is so loud. And you have probably asked the question "how am I going to make it?" 

I joined this club 5 months ago on February 14, 2017 when my husband took his last breath and I have asked that question many times. While I know my husband is in heaven and is free from the pain of cancer, the pain my children and I endure five months after my husband passed away lingers. Losing a spouse is one of the most painful things a person will experience.  Long after the fu…

A new chapter

In graduate school I typically had to read 3-4 books a week. Some of these books were more than 500 pages. The chapters were long, dry and very difficult to get through. As I read, I often wondered, not just when I would complete the book, but when the chapter would end.

In my own life, I feel as though the chapter I have been in has been incredibly long and very difficult. It started on December 2014 with a cancer diagnosis. It contained 18 hospitalizations, 15 cycles of chemotherapy, hundreds of nights where my children went to sleep at home while their dad was in the hospital. It contained relapse, bad news and paralysis. Heartache, pain and tears filled each page of the chapter. And on February 14, 2017 it included the passage "Melchor Lira passed away." The chapter of pain continued and consisted of my children and me figuring out how to live without the love of our life in it. It has included nights where the pain is so intense. It includes uncontrollable and deep tea…