Friday, May 15, 2015

my umbrella in the midst of the storm

I will trust you.

Life is getting difficult right now.

But I will trust you.

Things aren't working according to my schedule,

But I will trust you.

The doors I thought would open this year haven't,

But I will trust you.

We got thrown a curve-ball,

But I will trust you.

I don't understand what is going on,

But I will trust you.

I will trust you

Because I know you love me.

I will trust you

Because I know that you care about me.

I will trust you

Because I know that you have not abandoned me.

I will trust you

Because I know that you have not forgotten me.

I will trust you

Because I know that in my darkest times, you are right besides me.

I will trust you

Because I know that even though I don't know what tomorrow holds, you know every day of my life.

I will trust you

Because you are God.

I will trust you.

I am weak. And I am weary. I am exhausted. And I am drained.

But I will trust you.

I will serve you. I will love you. I will walk on this path because I know you are right besides me.

I know that when I cry, you hear me. I know when tears fall down my face, they don't go unnoticed. I know that when I am hurting, you are comforting.

And I know that you speak to me. I know that in the darkest time of my life you are not remaining silent.

And I will trust you.

But I need you God.

I need to feel your arms surround me. I need to feel your fingers wipe the tears from my face. I need to hear your words of encouragement.

I need you God.

Nobody else will do. I need you.

I need your comfort. I need your peace. I need your strength. I need your joy. I need your provision. I need your help.

Because I don't understand.

I don't understand why we have to walk down this road. I don't understand why my family has to endure this pain. I don't understand the purpose. I don't understand the plan. I don't understand.

But I do know that you love me. I do know that you see my every thought and hear my every prayer. I do know that when I put on the mask in front of others, you see true feelings I am hiding. I do know that even on the days I don't feel you near, you haven't left my side. I do know that even on the days, where I don't hear your voice, you are right beside me. I do know that we are not just another face in the crowd that you know us.

And so I picture you

as my umbrella in the midst of the storm. It is raining. The storm is pounding. The wind is blowing. The lightening is striking. And the thunder is booming. But I picture you as my umbrella protecting me.

And I can hear you tell me

"You will make it. You are not alone. I am your comfort. I am your peace. I am your strength. I will help you endure. When you are drained and weary, I will give you rest. I will never abandon you."

And so I trust you...


 This is how our life feels right now: cloudy with a 100% chance of terrible thunderstorms. Yet in the midst of the storm, He is there.

Thursday, May 7, 2015

I just cried

There are times that Hannah refuses to walk. She will plop herself on the ground and demand to be picked up. She refuses to take another step. And there are times I feel like Hannah. I feel like plopping myself on the ground, throwing a temper tantrum and telling God "I am not going to take another step." I feel like yelling "Don't you see my pain? Don't you see that I am tired?" There are days I want to just tell God that I refuse this path He has allowed us to take. There are days when I don't know how I am going to make it. Days when I look at the calendar and get so angry that it is only May because I know there are 6 cycles of chemotherapy left. Six more 2-3 week hospital stays. And I just want to sit on the ground and tell God that I am not getting up and I am not moving.

This is what I want to do sometimes!
Last night after church I went into the restroom and I cried. I had forced the tears to stay in for too long and I didn't think I would make it to the car without crying. I didn't want anyone to see me. I didn't want anyone to know that there are some days I am just hanging on by a thread. I didn't want anyone to know that there are some days where it takes so much energy just not to break down and cry.  I know there are so many people who would probably take my phone call in the middle of the night if I just needed to talk, but there are days when this road is so lonely. And there are days when I just need to cry by myself. There are days when I just don't want anyone to know just how much pain I am in. There are days when I don't want anyone to know just how weary this road has made me feel.

This week has been tough. Driving down my street, on the way to a transplant appointment with my husband, I saw a "sold" sign on a home around the corner from my own. And I almost lost it. That was my dream for this year to sell our house. And I wonder why our dreams have been deferred. Why isn't our home on the market? Why aren't we spending our Saturdays looking at prospective homes? Why aren't we grumbling about having to paint the walls and clean the carpets? Why aren't we enjoying the last semester of school for my husband? Why aren't we planning a trip that we can take as a family this summer? Why have our dreams been deferred? Why does my husband have cancer? Why my family? Why do we have to deal with this while others get to enjoy life?

This was taken last year, before cancer. Malachi wanted pancakes so I dropped everything to make him pancakes. I feel as though those care-free days have been stolen from us. 
 
The kids wanted to go to the Tower of the Americas last year. So at 8 in the evening we went. There aren't many spontaneous trips anymore. Not that many just-because toys. Cancer seems to dominate our life now


There are days when I don't want to go to God in prayer, because I am so hurt. There are days I want to just pretend that this is not something we are dealing with. There are days I want to ignore the still voice of God, because I don't want comfort because that means I am in pain. And I am in pain because my husband has cancer.  I don't want strength because it means that I am weary. And I am weary because my husband has cancer. I don't want peace because it means that I have so many questions. And I have so many questions because my husband has cancer. I don't want joy because that means I am sad. And I am sad because my husband has cancer. I don't want provision because that means I have a need. And I have a need because my husband has cancer. I just want God to take all of this away.

But I am in pain. And I am weary. And I do have questions. And I am sad. And I do have a need. And as much as I just want to plop on the ground, throw a tantrum and not take another step, I run to God.  There are times my children throw tantrums out of disobedience, but there are other times when they cry because there is a pain they are experiencing and they just don't know how to express what they are feeling inside. And what they need is a mother's love. And so in the midst of their pain, I offer them comfort. I scoop them up into my arms and I embrace them. I let them cry on my shoulders.

Words can't convey the love I felt towards my children the first time I held them During our darkest time, I am reminded that God loves me more than I love my children. And that is amazing because the love I have for my children is great.


And God has been doing that exact same thing with me. My pain and my feelings do not equate to me turning my back on God. There has not been one time that I have told God I was going to stop serving Him. There has not been one time that I have told God I don't love Him because of what we are going through. But I have been honest with my pain. Because it is painful seeing your husband lying in a hospital bed receiving chemotherapy. It is painful knowing that your children don't understand why daddy doesn't get to spend the night at home. It is painful what we are going through. Even though we know that God is going to get the victory in the end, the path we have to take to get to that victory is painful.

Yet I am reassured because I know that even when I am too weary to pray, God comes to me and scoops me in HIs arm and offers me comfort. Even when I just want to throw a tantrum and not move God reaches down with His loving arms and holds me. When I want to pretend that everything is okay, God wipes those tears from my face and He reassures me that He is not offended by my pain. He is not upset that I don't want to deal with this. He lets me know that He is full of love. And He lets me know that in the darkest time of my life, He is there. And when I don't know how we are going to make it, God lets me know that He will never leave our side and that He will give us exactly what we need when we need it.

And He whispers to me "Take another step. Let that tear fall down your face. I see your pain. I see your hurt. But I also see you getting through this. I am not leaving you. I am not abandoning you. I am right besides you, every step of the way."

"There is no greater love than to lay down one's life for one's friends" (John 15:13)

Here are some more pre-cancer pictures:



Saturday, May 2, 2015

Pretending it is all ok

When my husband is home from the hospital I can almost pretend he isn't getting treatment for cancer. I can pretend our life hasn't been uprooted. And so for the past two weeks since he's been home I have tried to act like everything is normal. But then it will hit me, as it started to yesterday that our life has been uprooted. Next week Mel goes to the transplant doctor and the following week it's back to the hospital. Back to me balancing a full time job and a 4 year old and 3 year old while my husband is getting chemo. It's back to having to spend nights apart. It's back to exhaustion. It's back to my kids not being able to see their dad daily. It's back to my husband spending 15 days in a hospital. And it's hard. And I wish life was the way it once was. I wish my husband wasn't sick. I wish I didn't have to figure finances out with only one income. I wish we were celebrating my husbands last semester at the community college. But we're not. We are meeting with transplant doctors. We are getting our kids ready for another hospitalization. We are doing things I never thought we'd have to do. And I hate it. I absolutely hate that this is our life right now. I hate that we have to depend on others to donate in order for our bills to be paid. I hate that my husband will spend a significant part of 2015 in the hospital. I hate that my children have to go through this. I hate it! I'm transparent because I think sometimes as Christians we feel the pressure to act like everything is ok for fear of people thinking we don't trust God. As Christians we fake a smile when we are hurting because we think people will think we aren't strong in our faith. I'm not smiling right now. I'm not happy with what's going on. But I trust God. I'm not walking away from my relationship with God. I'm transparent not just with you but  I've been transparent with God. I've laid it all at His feet because that's what He wants. He wants me to be real with Him. He wants me to be honest about the pain. And I go to Him because I know He's the only one who truly gives me the strength to take another step. He's the one who gives me peace. He's the one who comforts me. I let Him know how much this hurts. I let Him know that without Him I won't be able to take another step. I let him see the tears fall down my eyes. I am praising God through this storm but that doesn't mean I have to like what we are dealing with. I know God will get us through and I believe that something great can come out of this pain.